Just a little Sophmoric -

tgiro · January 15, 2020

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..
The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your knockers and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

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Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade --

He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free".

Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him.

He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal.

Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he'd be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict.

Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh ****', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

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A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.

The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $500 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”

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A wwoman approaches her minister --

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously. The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" That's obscene!" the priest exclaims.

After a few moments of deliberation, however, he offers a solution. "You know," he says, "I have two male parrots, very devout birds, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your female parrots to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and speak in a more appropriate manner."

"Thank you," the woman responds, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushers her in, she sees his two male parrots inside their cage, holding Rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walks over and places her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female birds cry out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There is a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

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An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

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Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me

He obviously never been smacked in the crotch with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

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What do you call a frog hanging upside down?

Mistle-toad.
From my great-grandson when he was here for christmas. And I laughed harder than I should have.

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I haven't spoken to my wife in three weeks,

I don't want to interrupt her.

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Today I learned about hereditary genetics.

If your parents don’t have children, you likely won’t either!

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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.” POOF her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

She smiles and says, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.” POOF she turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh…can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. POOF there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak.

He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered!”

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to go to a bull fight.

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gusto. When the waiter comes to his table, the man asks about the dish. "Oh Senor, that is the Matador Special," replies the waiter in broken English, "Our very best dish! Fresh vegetables, beans and zee cojones from zee bull. We get the cojones immediately after the bull fight. Exquisito!"

"Okay, that's what I'll have," says the businessman.

"But I am very sorry Senor, but that dish is only available once per day."

Disappointed, the man chooses another dish and plans to order the Matador Special the next day.

The next day the man goes to the bull fight again, and afterwards stops into the restaurant. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the Matador Special to a customer who got there before him. "Damn!" he says to himself. "And tomorrow's my last day here."

So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and arrives at the restaurant early. He is the first one seated, and proudly proclaims, "I'll have the Matador Special!"
"An excellent choice, Senor!" responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small, and taste rather foul.

"What's with this," the now angry man shouts, "I thought this was your premier dish!"

"I'm very sorry, Senor," said the waiter, "But you see, sometimes zee bull, he wins."

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And finally ----- A high school student is preparing for prom. After a while, he musters up the courage to ask his crush whether she will go with him to prom. To his surprise, she says yes, and he excitedly decides to start preparing to make it the best night of his life.

After school, he heads over to the school office to purchase the tickets for prom. However, unfortunately he is one of the last students to arrive at the office, and he joins the queue of excited students buying prom tickets. After waiting and waiting for about half an hour in line, he purchases a ticket for himself and his date, and heads home.

At home, he phones a limousine company to book a limousine for the night of the ball. However, the phone line is busy, and he gets put on hold. After waiting in line for fifteen minutes, the company picks up and he books a beautiful black limousine for the night of prom.

In the weekend, he decides to head out to the mall to purchase a new suit and some shoes. However, the suit store is incredibly busy with lots of people buying suits, and therefore he has to line up outside and wait. After waiting... and waiting... and waiting outside for about an hour, he gets let into the store, picks out a beautiful new suit that fits him perfectly, pays for it and heads out again.

The shoe store is equally busy, and while he is able to walk in and select his shoes, there is a queue at the counter to pay and he has to wait again. After lining up for a few minutes, he pays for his shoes and goes home.

The week before prom, he goes to the local barber to get his hair tidied up and neatened. Again, the barber is incredibly busy, and so he joins the queue. He has to sit and wait for about 45 minutes before eventually the barber calls him up to get his hair cut. He gets a really nice haircut, pays for it and leaves.

On the morning of the prom, he decides he wants to surprise his date with a small bouquet and a corsage, so he heads out to the local florist. However, having slept in, the florist is incredibly busy with people and he again lines up outside the florist. After lining up for about 20 minutes, he heads inside and the florist sells him a beautiful corsage with his date's favourite flowers. He pays for the flowers, and heads home excitedly to prepare.

The evening of prom comes, and the boy puts on his suit and shoes, brushes his hair, grabs the tickets, finds the corsage and heads out to pick up his date in the limousine he booked. He arrives at her house, puts the corsage on her wrist and he leads his beautiful date into the limousine, and they start to head to prom together.

However, traffic is pretty heavy on the way to prom, and they have to join a lot of queues on the main roads as people are driving frantically. After waiting and waiting in all the traffic, they are running 20 minutes late, but they eventually arrive at the prom venue.

All his friends are lining up outside for photos, and he joins the very very long line for the photographer. After waiting and waiting in line, he and his friends get some photos together along with their dates, and they start to make their way inside.

The boy's crush turns to him and says "I'm getting kind of thirsty...", and he immediately volunteers to go and get her something to drink. He looks over at the bar and sees a punch bowl.

He walks up to the bar and gets his date a glass of punch and brings it to her.

I'm sorry, but --- There is no punchline.
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