Senior Stories

[tgiro]

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
 
You gotta love Grandmas!
===========================================================
An old man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey.  Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid.  Make up your mind!  I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
===========================================================
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
The only Mature age student was hard put to think of seven advantages.  He wrote:
 
1)       It is perfect formula for the child.
2)       It provides immunity against several diseases.
3)       It is always the right temperature.
4)       It is inexpensive.
5)       It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6)       It is always available as needed.
 
And then the student was stuck.
 
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
 
7)       It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 
He got an A+.
===========================================================
A woman and her 12-year-old grandson were riding in a taxi in Detroit.  It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Gran," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?  They're hookers, boy!  They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Gran?"
His Grandmother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Gran, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
===========================================================
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning
She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103.  She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the Crematorium used to be.
========================================================

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.  I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.  I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!"
========================================================

A couple were both 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.
Though not young as they would like, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise during the last several decades.  One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.
As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and there he saw a beautiful championship golf course, better than anything he had seen on Earth.  "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is Heaven, and it changes to a new course every day and it never gets dark, so you can play every day and night" St. Peter replied, "You can play for free."

Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, and free flowing beverages.  St. Peter said, "All the famous chefs from earth practice their skills and make these dishes."  St. Peter then said, "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.  He then asked, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…"
St. Peter interrupted, "Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself."
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied, "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.  This is Heaven!"
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your damn bran muffins.  We could have been here ten years ago!"

[Scrappile]

Okay,,, I will rise from the floor and stop laughing..... Time to take my heart medicine!

[Foxfold]

That brightened up my morning no end. Thank you  

[jerry1939]

I'm 79 years old and only now found out where taxi drivers come from.    Thanks for the great collection of funnies.

jerry

[spirithorse]

Funny stuff!
Thanks for the chuckles and God Bless! Spirithorse

[Jim McDonald]

Glad I didn't have a drink in my hand. I chuckled so hard I was shaking.

[amazingkevin]

Rofl!

[GPscroller]

great batch, thanks.

Jeff

[Gordster]

Some new ones here..thank you

[WayneMahler]

THANKS REALLY ENJOYED THEM.