OH yes

[ike]

Hay has any body heard any good jokes lately I have missed them for the past week. need some laughing time the coffee shop has gotten kind of boring lately.

[jerry1939]

Grandma & Grandson were going to bake a batch of cookies.  Grandma said, "Sweetie, would you read off the list of ingredients & the directions?"  "Double everything."

 

Grandson started, "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."

 

jerry

[amazingkevin]

Bet grandma       flipped her wig on that note,lol

[Dan]

This was posted a few days ago...http://www.scrollsawvillage.com/topic/14676-taking-the-stairs-from-now-on/

[jerry1939]

A little girl asked her Mother, "Mommy, what is the origin of the human race? Where do people come from?" Mother said. "In the beginning, God created Adam and Eve, & we are all descendants of Adam and Eve."

 

"OK" and the girl went out to play.

 

A couple of days later she asked her Dad the same question. Dad said, "When the earth was first formed, it was inhabited by monkeys. After thousands of years of EVALUTION, we have all descended from the monkeys."

 

This confused the heck out of the little girl, so she went running right back to Mommy for an explanation.

 

Mother said, "It's very simple Sweetie. I was explaining about MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY."

 

jerry

[amazingkevin]

oop's!

[kywoodmaster]

A little long but funny.

 

Thought y'all should read this in case you ever
consider installing an electric fence!

 

We had the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically
in the entire city.

 

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
 
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence.

 

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into
the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you
have in the ground, the better the fence works.

 

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo
Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken
and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It
seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after
all.

 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing
I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the
lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every
time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the
engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once,
but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of
a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping
along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your
pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.

 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds)
into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around
the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a
farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always
had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not
let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil.

 

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to
just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of
gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled
the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has
settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of
big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz,
and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please
die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the
rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from
its owner's right foot.

 

So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
me. God did not take me that day, he left me there covered
in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.

 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower
was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been
standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid
while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had
a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon
waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things.

 

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

 

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right
butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

 

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.

 

4- My left eye will not open.

 

5- My right eye will not close.

 

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or
something, because it was better than new after that.

 

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

 

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I
always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged
before I mow.

 

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow.

[ike]

That's ;more like it several good jokes . Now maybe we can get the coffee shop back on line.

[merlin]

Maybe long but hell a good laugh had tears streaming down into my beard.Hell I had too stop reading twice to dry the tears away.

Edited June 17, 2015 by merlin

[LarryEA]

Anyone zapped by electric fence can 'kinda' relate. At least partly understand.

I enjoyed the early morning laugh.

[jerry1939]

When living on a farm, my neighbor told us that he was out coon hunting the night before.  Peed on a fence.  It was electric.

 

jerry.

[jerry1939]

During the Funeral Service for Johann Sebastian Bach, everyone in attendance was hearing a strange sound. It was an unusual sound that no one had ever heard before. Sort of a music sound, but backwards. The ushers searched both inside and outside of the Church for the source, but to no avail.

 

Finally the Minister stopped the Service, went to the casket, opened it up and looked in.

 

There was Bach, laying there decomposing.

 

jerry

 

P.S. I'm a perfectionist and a procrastinator. Someday I will be awesome.

[ike]

I went fishing and there was an electric fence around the pond ducked thrue  ok but my fishing rod ( graphite rod) touched the fence I guess it got me at least 1/ 2 dozen times before i let go of it.. but I did catch some fish so it was a good day.

[jerry1939]

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

 

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you will accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."

 

Feeling outraged and betrayed, Bob gets his gun, goes to the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.

 

Moments later he gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be wifi"."

 

jerry

[kywoodmaster]

OK Lets try one more!!!!

 

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

    

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

 

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

 

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!