Do NOT Try This At Home Guy's

[Lorn.S]

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.  What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY $HIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-...
That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still looking for my testicles!!  I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Earl

[Clayton717]

               

[heppnerguy]

This was the funniest thing I have read in very long time. Most funny things only make me smile, this made me laugh out loud several times and at your expense. Hey Earl, do it again and see if the effect is any different.

[multitom]

This is hilarious                 , Finders keepers Good one Earl.

[jerrybritner]

Hey Earl thanks for the laugh, explains what our neighborhood cats was eating out on our front porch that we couldn't figure out what it was, human version of Ricky Mountain Oysters chuckle.. gosh that had to be painful!

[keefie]

Hey Earl, I needed a good laugh - and that certainly gave me one !!!!!                   

 

Keefie

[grampa]

Brilliant, thanks for the laugh, if you feel like experimenting again try wiring it up to a 12v battery and let us know how it goes lol.....paul

[Phantom Scroller]

OH DEAR! I can't stop laughing give me a shock now.............

that was the funniest story I've heard in a long time Lorn.

Please don't do that again.

 

Roly

[heppnerguy]

Earl,

you are great writer. I had to bring my wife in the computer room and have her read your post too. she also laughed as hard as i did.

[bobscroll]

O.M.G.! That is one heck of a story          Thank you very much

for the laugh!!! Lorn, Bob 

[wombatie]

I have read that before I laughed then and I laughed just, still as funny. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

Marg

[amazingkevin]

 my friend that cant and never did walk and has no feeling in his legs told give me that thing.i had one too.he stabed himself with it and squeezed the button .THE LOOK ON HIS FACE ! he said ill never do that again,     all for a beer too!